I was going to post something else, but I can’t think of anything else. I can hardly think period.
New drug policies to combat addiction. Sounds good? If it does, you never had to live with the kind of pain, where you’re forced to no longer be independent, and need meds just so you quiet the voice that says “Just do it. End the agony”
Of couse the VA in its infinite wisdom, won’t call you ahead of time so you can go pee in a cup and get your refills. Nope. They call you the DAY OF.
And then tell you the earliest they can see you is next week.
So I drove 120 miles to wait for parking, wheel myself through their fancy expensive new entrace 100ft further than where it was, along a path that’s barely wider than a wheelchair. It dips because why not get a work out when you’re in pain. It turns side to side, because it looks “pretty”. Fuck those assholes in chairs that struggle to move, right? Why don’t we die already, right?
But I wouldn’t care or bitch about it.
I do now because, I had to do all this, and there was a chance I could get the damned meds before the weekend. The VA is closed on the weekend. Because pain has the weekend off too.
I have to wait for the doctor, to put in the refill in the computer system. Shouldn’t take long, but it does. Then I pray that the pharmacy does their job, that thing they get a government salary for, to put pills in a bottle. Oh, and I hope they count them right. They always screw you out of a days worth. Always, no exception.
Then it’s up to the genius that simply has to put the pill bottle in an envelope and put it in the UPS box. It’s such a difficult task because you’d be surorised how many times they miss that deadline.
Send the meds through UPS, although if they put it in, I’m going to probably drive 120 miles just so I can get that relief sooner rather than later.
So much beaurocracy. Why? Because we have to protect veterans. Can’t have them becoming addicts. Yeah, I’m in pain, I already am a kind of addict. I don’t take the damned things for “fun”, partly because I don’t remember what fun was. I take them so I dont blow my brains out in a flash of agony.
But it made for great campaign promises, helping those poor junkies, that despite a decade (the 80s) of eggs and frying pans, and billions in school prgrams, still decided to “try”. Yeah, let’s help them. Because they did so much for this country.
Fire the whole VA. I’ll be better off going to homeless clinics for good care. Fire the VA and issue a lifetime bad on them ever practicing medicine (who are we kidding, they dont do medicine…although they practice like a 5 yar old practices violin)
I envy those guys and gals that didnt make it. A pine box sounds really awesome. Quiet, peace, no drama and no fucking agony. As an aside, here’s how you stop the 22 veterans killing themselves each day. YOU STOP FUCKING WITH THEIR PAIN MEDS! WE HAVE CHUNKS OF OUR BODIES MISSING AND METAL INSIDE US. Getting addicted is the least of our problems.
Or when the pain gets really bad, I regret serving. I regret giving my best years, I regret serving for 11 years, not knowing that once I was done I would be treated like an old Humwee. “Fuck it, junk it.”
Worst conclusion that comes to me, is to just say, this isnt worth it. THere’s a saying, “everyone breaks” yeah. I used to say I was tough. And I was, but after years of this, I think Im ready to check out. Yes, I know it’s permanent, boy am I counting on it.
Signed, somebody that is in agony.
PS, I didnt edit this, i dont care right now …gonna go lay down and hope i dont wake up.
PPS if i dont post after afew days, means that I kicked it. I probably wont pull the trigger myself, because im a fucking optimist..but that optimist is praying for an aneurism in my sleep